Monday, May 9, 2011

Baca's Rules of the Game

Did you check out VFTD's Facebook page for rule #14? Well, it's your lucky day, slacker, as I intend to list all the available rules of the game. Not because I'm just that kind of decent guy. (You should really know better by now.) I want your ideas for rules of the game--which I will then shamelessly steal, claim for my own (if they are any good) and add to the list. Alternatively, (when you have no original ideas--like usual) it will be confirmed and unassailable that my rules are the best--and you got jack. Winner!
So put your rules ideas up in comments--or don't. And if you're not quite sure what might make for a rule, read the list.

Baca's Rule #3: Players cheat. Enough with the tantrums, stomping your feet and balling up your fists when you're whining to the refs about the other guy cheating you. Get over it. You cheat too. I know you cheat and you know you cheat so shut up. What you really want is refs who are only good enough to catch the other guy. If there's anything worse than a cheater it's a hypocritical whiny little bitch.

Baca's Rule #6: The shiny perfection of your gat is in inverse proportion to your ability to use it.

Baca's Rule #7: If you routinely dish out bonusballs quit squealing like a schoolgirl when you are on the receiving end. It's unmanly and pathetic. (Unless you happen to be a schoolgirl in which case it's okay. And could you post it on You Tube? Thanks.)

Baca's Rule #8: Communication is vision.

Baca's Rule #9: ROF is not the determinative factor in paint consumption.

Baca's Rule #10: effective shooting isn't the ability to put 15 balls on target, it's the ability to put the first ball on target.

Baca's Rule #14: most aftermarket parts are purely cosmetic. Those that aren't are still, more often than not, unnecessary. (Call me all the names you like but, please, no sticks and stones. I have sensitive skin and a soft head.)

Baca's Rule #17: 'Speedball' refers to any non-woods variant of paintball in which the participants imagine they are playing competitive paintball.

Baca's Rule #19: The ability to spastically twitch the index finger of either hand like an epileptic having a seizure is NOT a skill.

Baca's Rule #23: There are two kinds of cheaters in paintball, honest and dishonest. The majority of "honest" cheaters play out in the open where everyone can see and the bulk of the "dishonest" cheaters skulk around in the woods. There is a certain irony then in the fact it is the "honest" cheaters who are most often condemned. There is, however, a special corner of hell for the "dishonest" cheaters where Nine Inch Nails is the house band and they will be performing show tunes for eternity.

27 comments:

Santiago said...

Baca's Rule #5: Slide only if you know how to avoid the lines and the unnecessary injuries.

Anonymous said...

thanks for addressing cheating...people need to get over it -- it's part of the game, and in todays game (imo) if you can put one ball on him, but several...force him out of the bunker.

Baca Loco said...

Getting a little ahead of yourself there, Santiago. Picking out a number and everything. Are the "lines" real or imaginary?

houdini said...

#xx
You cannot play better paintball with your mouth (or by being able to name every after-market part you have added to your kit)

Missy Q said...

Rule # ?

If you're going to bring a female 'spectator', she needs to be un-attached, and rank higher than a 7/10.

Rule # ?
If you ever pull the flag and hang in in your own base, during a world cup qualifying match, you have to be able to cope with the annoying commentator-guy drawing attention to it for the rest of the weekend.

Rule # ?
Leeching is not a skill.

Rule # ?
Pro-teams - Selling your sponsor-provided equipment, at a lower price than the factory sells it for to their distributors, is not a skill, nor does it do anything but damage the market for your generous sponsor. Kinda the opposite of what you're supposed to be doing...

Rule # ?
never admit fault for losing, not when you have your gun, your paint, your loader, your tank, photographers and the refs that can take a fall for you.

houdini said...

I love the last one Missy!!

Missy Q said...

Rule # ?

Pro-Teams - when performing autograph signing sessions, always talk amongst yourselves and portray the image that you're reluctantly doing your sponsor a huge favor. Be sure to deliver your posters unsmiling to your loyal fans, and pay attention only when one of your fans girlfriends comes along (be sure to be as inappropriate as possible at this time).
It's also always fun to draw moustaches and horns etc over your team-mates pictures, just to make sure that the fans poster is next-to worthless to him once he gets it home.

Don Saavedra said...

Rule #?

You are not an athlete and paintball is not a sport.

Anonymous said...

You and your drunk-friend are the ONLY people who think setting off that hotel fire-alarm in the middle of the night is 'cool'.
Everyone else wishes you would die a painful death.

Baca Loco said...

You're projecting again, Don.

Anonymous said...

Rule #?
Grinding, as defined by the average competitive paintball player, would be the act of practicing for future competition in an extremely intensive way. This term was no doubt coined by an objective, yet knowledgeable observer, as it brought the image to mind of an already dull knifes' edge being applied at right angles to a grinding wheel.

Missy Q said...

Rule # ?
Never say please or thank-you, ever. Good manners are for noobs.

Anonymous said...

Invent a different gang-style handshake for every event, then scoff at people that want to greet you, but don't know what the hell you're doing.

Anonymous said...

If you think that 'insert team name' would be better off if Marcus Neilsen were playing with them, you're automatically wrong, 100% of the time.

Missy Q said...

It's totally OK to use the N-word in paintball, so long as you pronounce it 'niggA'

Yah, it's perfectly fine when you do that, obviously...

Anonymous said...

Rule # ?

A pod left unattended 2 minutes after a game is homeless, and putting it in your jersey is a kindness, not theft.

Anonymous said...

Rub is the paint on your jersey, and an obvious hit is paint on the jersey of your opponent.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I play tournament ping pong, and this bag is what I carry my balls in...

Anonymous said...

If your first tournament was in the "rookie" division, you are automatically disqualified from being "old skool" or "O.G".

Don Saavedra said...

I'm not projecting. Max Kellerman came up with a fantastic definition for sport wrt comparisons between what is a sport and what isn't (basketball vs. golf vs. figure skating) and I think it applies just as well to paintball: sport is the activity by which we judge the participants physical attributes against his competitors to determine who is the best. The more attribute categories in play, the more something is a sport. Is this guy stronger, faster, more dexterous, more agile, smarter, quicker, has more endurance, etc. How many categories can you accurately judge the athleticism of a paintball player? Very few. Much like Golf. And Golf isn't a sport. jusayin'

Missy Q said...

Surrounded by adoring fans at an event who think you're 'the shit'?
Now's the time to put on your headphones (even if you already ran out of batteries) and dutifully ignore them, while staring into space....
Nothing makes you cooler, and it totally covers up the fact that you have no social skills at all.

Baca Loco said...

I'm sensing a theme--and not a little hostility. Yikes. Still, not too bad. Definitely gonna play into this week's 'Another Cynical VFTD Game.'

Don
Isn't Max Kellerman the original host of 'Around the Horn' until he decided he was bigger than ESPN? Where is he now? Back on NYC cable access?

Anonymous said...

Physical attributes of a paintball player and a paintball team who make Paintball a sport for you and Mr Kellerman =

faster, more dexterous, more agile, smarter, quicker, has more endurance, more experience, more Knowledge, more Organisation, more d├ęterminatio, etc ... (not enough, there is a lot more)

Paintball is for me, like any other game, a Sport, as long as you play it like a sport !

Don Saavedra said...

Hosting an ESPN radio show here in Los Angeles. And he's terrible except his co-host is Marcellus Wiley and he's a blast to listen to. So, yes, you may make an ad hominem argument against this definition of sport just because Max is crap if you want.

Anonymous said...

Paintball is not a fashion show, having a lot of gears is useless if you can't even play with them all. LOL

Baca Loco said...

Don,
Really? No ad hom. If I'd said Max's definition sucked 'cus he spent his weekends doing donkey shows in Tijuana--that would have been ad hom.
I was just making sure we were talking about the same guy who has consistently exhibited such poor judgment. ;-)

Randall Fruzza said...

When making a bunkering move, 80%+ of the time you'll
get the shot on opponent first...and opponent will spin and it will be ruled a trade.